September 13, 2011 by Heather Yelland
I started not sleeping, I had trouble concentrating, I was restless, and if you were to ask my children I am sure they would say I was somewhat short tempered. Any of this sound familiar?
For most of us, dealing with our fears in a positive and constructive manner is quite the challenge, especially because we usually work as hard at ignoring the fact that we have fear as we do a dealing with it. “why do I think fear is bad? For most of us, our fear is made far worse by the fact that we label it as bad and therefore invest a great deal of energy trying hard to keep it at bay. More often than not when fear shows up we try really hard to ignore it and end up spending loads of energy on fighting against the fear, sometimes without any real sense, at least consciously, of what the issue may be that is giving rise to the fear.
The shadow of fear:
Another big challenge that arises when we fight against our fear is the size of the shadow it begins to cast. The more we try to ignore our fear and push it away, the bigger grows the shadow. The net effect of that phenomenon is to increase the perceived size of the fear – the bigger the shadow, the bigger the fear!
As a therapist, I worked with many people who had pushed away a fear for so many years that the size of the shadow had them believing the fear itself was enormous and thus they were extremely reluctant to look at the fear and see what actually lay beneath it. However, on many occasions when people were able to allow themselves to experience the fear, they discovered (usually with a large degree of relief) that the fear was not actually that big and the issues where able to be addressed without the world coming to an end. I recall one fellow in particular saying how frustrated he was that he had spent all those years not having the relationship he wanted with his son because he was so busy trying to ignore the fact that there was an issue and being unwilling to address his own fear.
So how can we deal with our fear and move forward?
Strategies to embrace fear:
So what can we do to experience fear as a natural part of life and a potentially powerful sign that something needs to be changed or addressed? Well, there are steps to take that will assist you to embrace the value of your fear and allow it to support the way you live your life, rather than constrain it. I suggest you try the following 5 step plan to taking the sting out of fear in your life;
STEP 1: Recognize it! The main thing is to know that what you are feeling is fear and to become familiar with the way it shows up in your life.
STEP 2: Know thy physiology. Your body experiences fear in a unique and particular way and it is important that you develop an awareness of what the early indicators are.
STEP 3: Notice its expression. Knowing how you generally behave when you feel fear can give insight into its presence in your life if you happen to miss the early warning signs.
STEP 4: See the patterns. It is common that certain situations will create fear for you and it is really important to know what circumstances or contexts are likely to trigger fear.
STEP 5: Change your mind-set. Each time you feel fear arise, say to yourself (aloud if it helps)…..this fear is just a sign-post – what’s the message on the sign?
Play with this and see how you go, remembering that you are not aiming to have no fear in your life ( I think that’s called death!), but to experience your fear as something that can improve the quality of your life when you see it as an emotional sign-post and deal with it effectively.
When we learn to be curious about our fear, instead of reacting to our judgement of it as bad, we can find its true value.
Hey Heather,
Excellent article on fear and very timely for me. Last week I had the pleasure of going abseiling with a group of primary school kids. It was amazing how many kids where scared sh*tless and thought that this was a bad thing. I had the opportunity to say to many of them ‘it’s good that you’re feeling scared because now you’ll be careful when you stand near the edge of the cliff’. Fear is definitely a signpost and mine is to recognize it’s ok to fear it when I step outside my comfort zone as I’m doing right now with a new direction in my business. Thx for the reminder.
Comment by Karina Hogan — September 20, 2011 @ 4:15 pm