August 25, 2011 by heather
If you are feeling conflict in your relationship, you may have undermined the important influence of your Values and Beliefs. Let’s look at how they can effect your relationship, and how, to move forward and move past this issue. The importance in understanding the values and beliefs you hold, is very significantly as they influence the way you ‘show up’ in your relationship. Let’s consider them separately.
We generally think of values as the principles, standards, ethics or ideals by which we choose to live our life. I like to take this one step further and suggest that our values are emotional states that we believe are important to experience (or avoid, as the case may be). Let me explain. We all have different values, most of which we learn as we grow, and these are influenced by the people and situations we experience in our life. We take on these values (usually at a young age), based on the meaning we are taught to give a situation or experience.
The key thing to realise here is that there’s no right or wrong, but it is important that you explore and understand your values so you can usefully reflect on how they influence your behaviour, choices, and relationships.
Our beliefs are often described as the attitude, viewpoint or thinking we hold about a certain thing. Again, I like to take this further and suggest that beliefs are the feeling of certainty we have about the meaning of something and it is because of our feeling of certainty that we hold such strong attitudes or viewpoints about the things we believe in.
Understanding your beliefs allows you to make conscious decisions about the way you approach your relationship. Your beliefs are learned associations and therefore can be adapted and adjusted if you so choose.
When there’s a conflict between our values and beliefs and the information we are getting from our current situation, we generally work hard to prove that our values and beliefs are right. This causes stress and fear, which in turn creates its own emotional reaction and often we end up feeling stuck. And as we all know, this causes stress to the relationships we hold.
It’s important to understand that when conflict shows up in your relationship, it may be the result of conflicting values and beliefs. Particularly if you are experiencing this ‘stuck’ feeling of not knowing how to proceed, this shows that your values and beliefs are being challenged. Do you have that nagging feeling of guilt inside you?
Understanding your beliefs allows you to make conscious decisions about the way you ‘show up’ or ‘behave’ in your relationships. I cannot stress enough the importance in getting your values and beliefs in line with the values and beliefs your partner holds. By understand and talking about each others values and beliefs you can pinpoint where the conflict is originating from.
Let’s say for example that you believe women should not have to do the cooking and cleaning in the house, however your husband feels that they should. It may be that he wants to feel appreciated, and having the house cleaned as he thinks would be your way of showing you value his hard work. By talking about your values and beliefs, you could discover that there is an underlining issue that needs to be worked through.
Having an understanding of your values and beliefs can provide you with insight into what drives you and your partners behaviour and choices. Once you understand them you are free to reflect on the value of them and to determine the extent to which they still serve you in the current context of your relationship. You will find that through discussing these issues you will move past conflict and have a solution when it show up again in your relationship. This is an important step on your journey to relationship success.
